In the Midst of the Silence
Life looks a whole lot different right now than I thought it would a few months ago. Life hurts a lot more right now than I thought it would a few months ago. It is very easy for me to lament over the “what should be” when I come to terms with the “what is”. Right now my heart feels fragile. Like it’s so full of cracks that one small tap will cause it to break apart into a million tiny pieces. And let me just say, it is so easy to get stuck in that place. That place where all you focus on are the cracks that make you feel as if you’re one move away from breaking completely. There are so many times, especially right now, that I want to turn back time and change how things played out. So many moments where I have caught myself saying “God, you got it wrong. You messed up somewhere. It isn’t supposed to be this way”. Sometimes I even find myself feeling like I should be exempt from all heartache. Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt that way before?
But do you want to know what I have truly had to come to terms with? God never once said that we would live an earthly life free from pain or hardship. He never once said that life would be easy. He never said He would stop trials, even the hardest and deepest of trials, from happening. So what did He say? He said He will be there. He said He will be near to us. He will strengthen us. He will comfort us. He said that He is purposefully and thoughtfully orchestrating all of our steps. But He never promised us an earthly life free from pain.
A few days ago I was at a pretty steep low. Grief over quite a few difficult circumstances was rising and I was feeling every emotion that I think was possible. Logan asked me what I needed and I said I needed to get out into the fresh air. Stryker was at daycare so I knew I had some time to truly express to Logan how angry I was at God. So we went to a park and went on a walk. (Hindsight, walking outside with a heat index of 107 was probably not the best idea, but when I set my mind to something, I do it. Hello stubbornness!) I told Logan everything I was feeling. The good, the bad, and especially the ugly. I didn’t even realize how angry I was with God until I just let it all out. I told him that I felt like God wasn’t protecting me. I told him God was ignoring me.
Then Logan said something that stuck with my heart. He’s really good at that. He doesn’t always share his innermost feelings, but when God puts something on his heart to tell me, it moves me in the deepest way. Here is what he said:
I want you to think of Stryker at night. We have him pulled up on the monitor and we are always watching him. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he gets scared. There are times we go in there and save him, but there are also times that we don’t. We let him work through it. That doesn’t mean we aren’t watching him. That doesn’t mean we forgot about him or are ignoring him. And it definitely doesn’t mean that we aren’t protecting him. It just means that sometimes we need to let him cry through it because we know he will be okay. If we rescue him and prevent him from every hardship, he won’t grow stronger. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t constantly watching him and it certainly doesn’t mean we don’t love him.
That right there is who our God is. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” Pslam 23:4.
While I have no idea what you are facing in your life right now, I want you to rest in the fact that He knows the beginning, the end, and most importantly the inbetween. Every hardship has a purpose. No tear is ever wasted. Ever. If you are in a time where God feels silent, dig even deeper into His word because those times of silence can become the moments when God moves the most. He is strengthening you. He never stops watching you. He is preparing you for something amazing. He is still there and He is still good, even in the midst of the silence.
